Saturday, October 17, 2015

The pause button (part 2)

i vaguely remembered that i've felt this way before,
devastated, broken into pieces without knowing clearly why.
such a strange feeling...
at the end, i blame it on hormones hahaha, sorry ya mon, kamu kena getah terus,
but really... maybe it's the never-ending pressure i keep to myself,
maybe i'm simply overloaded with the daily tasks, i can't even enjoy little things anymore,
all i know, it was so hard to keep my happy bubble floating lately.
they always pop. sedih.

all i know, i wasn't being happy, nor keeping my positivism,
for days, i was blatantly being a miserable little ball of dark cloud,
all grumpy, mara mara terus, ngga sabaran... things even nu grinti can't fix.
and i have to say: rasanya gak enak banget.
constantly being in a rush, worrying, panicking, being negative, ngga tenang.
and driving everyone else around me crazy - obviously erw *maaf ya sayang*

so i decided that i had to fix myself,
i started spending some time having good quality me time, sunk my head into good books,
i started re-counting my blessing, started to map for solutions... because this is a new for me,
biasanya challenges nya soal duit pas pasan cyin uhukkk, kali ini kok beda. i got lost.

at the end, we had a good talk, then a good cry.
abis itu, heavy dark cloud slowly fading... ternyata, all i needed was good talk and good cry.
abis itu rasanya lega banget. aslik.
erw pasti bingung si, knapa ni orang ngomong, terus banjir air mata, terus diem, terus tenang,
terus langsung bikin teh & senyum.

pelan pelan, satu satu gue benerin semua yang kayanya masih ganjel,
including talking to some people about some sensitive things, that i've avoided all these time.
abis itu, step two. i hit the brake.

setelah gue pikir pikir, i'm always on top gear, gigi 5. selalu, selalu dan selalu.
i feel like i'm always running, to be one step ahead of everything, because i'm a human of plan.
i like everything to be going as planned, and to do so, gue harus punya plan yang solid,
dan harus jalanin semuanya according to plan, if not. the plan will go on wasted. bener kan?

but it turns out to be so tiring. capek.
that day, i hit the brake with the intention to give myself a pause time, i'm hitting the pause button.
yang setelah gue liat-liat, i've hit this once back on 2011, and on 2012.
YAAA, 1 taun sekali break down, gapapayaaa...

emang hitting the pause button tu ngapain aja literally?

i slow everything down.

i happen to be able to type really fast, on keyboard, touch screen, etc,
i slowed it down. itupun susah!
karna by default, and years of playing the piano... gue terbiasa ngetik cepet.
dengan asumsi, kalo gue ngetik cepet, kerjaan paperwork cepet selesai. pesen cepet delivered.
tapi gara gara meltdown kemaren, dasar emang ngga fokus, paperwork jadi banyak erornya,
tambah kesel kan gue jadinya!!!
so i slow everything down. and keep repeating the same instruction to my brain.

i slow my walking pace, slow down my meal time to really taste my lunch,
i even slow my hair dryer heat after washing my hair... slowing everything down.
in two days, i feel lighten up a little, kayanya satu per satu mulai aspek idup gue mulai cerah,
my positivism grew a little, like the first flower of spring.

on evening, i was preparing my suit for an event on the early next morning,
terus gue sadar, lhaaa kartu nama gue abis rek! bahaya, padahal itu event sosialisasi,
ya lucu kan kalo kartu nama ijk abis. it was 9 pm.
the old me would be jumping to nearest printing to have my cards printed, but not that night.
i slow everything down. akan gue kerjain besoknya aja, toh masih ada waktu sebelum acara.
erw sampe heran, i was behaving differently that evening, mungkin dia mikir "are you ok, wife?"

tapi kan gue udah niat mau slowing down everything, and that's that.
that's exactly what i did, and it was OK. it turns out to be OK,
having a calm mind is more important than rushing things around and do things precisely on the dot.

a couple of weeks ago, i'd say my world is collapsing, everything is falling apart,
everything is bad, i feel like the universe is being ultra mean and i have no energy left to stood up,
to stood up and took the beating.
i usually stood up and took the beating, any kind of beating.
i'd suck it up and had it. i'd face it, but that time, i collapsed.
i can't even stood up to keep my positivity.

but i was wrong. the world wasn't falling apart...
it's not that. i thought it was falling apart, but when i think about it, it's actually falling into places.
sure it was different places, places i've never known of. that's why it's so uncomfortable.

tapi semua hal baru selalu begitu, kan?
baru, asing, dan aneh. awalnya...
when i take a second look, it really looks OK. it's OK, it's a very good kind of OK.
OK in caps.

so i'm glad i took everything slower, gue jadi bisa liat semuanya lebih jelas,
i come back to my root, seeing and being grateful for every little things,
things i took for granted these past weeks.
i let my noisy mind go.
it wasn't easy, i had to repeat the instruction, but it was worth it.
it really is a good therapy.
bagusnya lagi dalam agama saya, i can do it 5 times a day at least. Subhanallah.

Tuesday, October 6, 2015

Introducing how to shed manly tears

a 6 yo soul is probably one of the most delicate one in a child's lifetime,
peralihan dari bayi besar ke anak, peralihan dari sekolah hore horean (di TK), ke SD.
sebenernya sekaligus pembuktian si, ajaran-ajaran kita sejak dia balita, berhasil nggak.
parameternya sih sederhana aja, kalo kira kira 'ke iseng an' si bocah masih bisa ditolerir oleh umum,
perilaku nya masih acceptable di ranah umum, i'd say the parents have nailed it.

buat ibuknya, yang paling deg deg ser adalah 'nemenin' masa masa ini,
prepping him a whole lot of things he'll be dealing with in the future.
karna gue percaya, apapun yang terjadi di fase ini, adalah pintu untuk refleksi pribadi Ar kedepannya.
so a couple of weeks ago, there were this.

Ar brought home 2 books, and all excited about it. pagi pagi begitu bangun tidur,
langsung minta bacain, berulang ulang. hadehhh, begitu melek mami langsung suru bacain,
udah gitu karna dia belum ngerti ngerti amat basa inggris, jadi bacainnya bilingual bok. hmmmh.
kebetulan itu long wiken, jadi emang anak anak gue biarin main terosss, berantakin rumahhh,
mereka emang punya spot main, but on long weekend like that, every room is playing room.
they would play lego on the playing desk, main rumah rumahan di pinggir kasur, etc etc etc.

sunday evening, seperti biasa kita siapkan buku untuk senin, dan buku pustaka nya harus dibalikin.
however, the books were gone. duweng, kzl. hahaha...
semaleman dicariin, tetep ngga ada, kasur kasur sampe diangkatin, tetep ngga ada. zzz.
he was kinda panic that night, berkali kali bergumam "dimana ya? dimana ya bukunya?"
and i let him try to look for it. so he knows, he should be more careful with his belongings,
we all helped him at the end, but there were like gone with the wind.

monday morning, gue tulis surat untuk pak guru, telling him the books were still MIA, Ar lost it.
silakan diinformasikan konsekuensinya kepada Ar.
sambil nulis surat di meja makan, Ar bediri di sisi kanan gue, then i told him to read,
menurut gue, dia juga harus tau, apa yang akan gue sampaikan ke pak guru,
particularly karna we're talking about him. dia bintang tamunya, so i let him read.
gue jelasin, konsekuensi itu apa maksudnya.

jadi kalo Ar rajin bikin PR, konsekuensi nya dapat nilai bagus di sekolah,
perbuatan baik, konsekuensinya juga baik.
tapi kalo Ar ngga menyimpan buku pustaka dengan baik, jadi hilang.
nah konsekuensi nya nanti pak guru yang akan tentukan.
perbuatan kurang baik, juga ada konsekuensi nya.

then out of the blue, he sunk his face, into my left arms, and stood still.
he sunk his face and froze.
i thought it hit him, some electric shock that tells your body: oh no, i've done something wrong.

gue kaget!!! kok dia langsung nyungsep gituuu oh baby...
terus gue ngapain?
hahahaha... saya kaget dulu sih, for sure. hahaha...
gue coba angkat mukanya, so we can talk normally, dia gak mau.
mukanya tetep dinyungsepin di lengan gue.

ternyata dia sedih banget dan agak takut juga karna udah ngilangin buku pustaka sekolah,
i figured, karena that's what he does when he's on feels miserable like this. he hid his face,
sementara kalo dia marah, dan lagi gue ajak bicara, he would sit still in front of me, with eyes closed.

after figured out what happend, gue coba untuk tenangin dia, usap usap punggung nya,
gue cuma tekanin 3 hal to the sad little man:
1. it's ok to make mistake, everybody does
2. when you do, please apologise, and please promise not do repeat it.
3. kalo Ar sedih, it's ok. you can cry. tapi laki laki kalo nangis cuma sebentar.

sepanjang jalan dari rumah ke sekolah, dia nemplokkk ahirnya di bahu gue,
bener bener kaya bayi aja, he sat on my lap, facing me, arms around my neck,
face on my shoulder.
when i finally hug the little man, i hug him tight. as an expression of : it's ok sweetie, it's OK.
his shoulder were shaken a little bit, he cried a little.
oh my boy... the litte-manly tears has shed. uhuhuhu...
bener ya kata orang, kalo anak lagi sedih, orangtuanya suka merasa dua kali lebih sedih uhuuu...

abis ngulang-ngulang pesen yang sama, gue coba menghibur dia dengan mancing mancing cerita,
karna kita udah mau sampe sekolahan, i need him to be ready for school at once.
untung ahirnya dia angkat mukanya dari dada gue, terus dia mulai ceria lagi.


pengennya dia jadi laki laki yang punya empati, lembut hatinya, tapi tetep decisive dan logis.
gue agak dilema juga sih sebenernya, how to introduce crying properly to a young man,
but i think he nailed this one! how to cry manly tears.

dilema kedua adalah tentang gimanaaa ya caranya dan gimana cara balance nya,
karna gue juga gakmau kalo dia tumbuh jadi anak yang bentar bentar nangis, baper gitu hahaha.
my goal is to tell him, that you can cry... laki laki juga punya perasaan, therefore, you can cry.
i hope by saying: men do cry, but only cry a little,

mudah mudahan ini bisa jadi salah satu jembatan buat Ar & buat gue,
aside from all academic achievement i'd like him to conquer - duile ambisius amat buk! 
dalam proses menjadi laki laki idaman gadis, dan calon mamah mertua. KYAAAA hahaha...
mudah mudahan kamu kalo udah gede cakep ganteng gini ya mas *teteppp*