The pause button (part 2)

i vaguely remembered that i've felt this way before,
devastated, broken into pieces without knowing clearly why.
such a strange feeling...
at the end, i blame it on hormones hahaha, sorry ya mon, kamu kena getah terus,
but really... maybe it's the never-ending pressure i keep to myself,
maybe i'm simply overloaded with the daily tasks, i can't even enjoy little things anymore,
all i know, it was so hard to keep my happy bubble floating lately.
they always pop. sedih.

all i know, i wasn't being happy, nor keeping my positivism,
for days, i was blatantly being a miserable little ball of dark cloud,
all grumpy, mara mara terus, ngga sabaran... things even nu grinti can't fix.
and i have to say: rasanya gak enak banget.
constantly being in a rush, worrying, panicking, being negative, ngga tenang.
and driving everyone else around me crazy - obviously erw *maaf ya sayang*

so i decided that i had to fix myself,
i started spending some time having good quality me time, sunk my head into good books,
i started re-counting my blessing, started to map for solutions... because this is a new for me,
biasanya challenges nya soal duit pas pasan cyin uhukkk, kali ini kok beda. i got lost.

at the end, we had a good talk, then a good cry.
abis itu, heavy dark cloud slowly fading... ternyata, all i needed was good talk and good cry.
abis itu rasanya lega banget. aslik.
erw pasti bingung si, knapa ni orang ngomong, terus banjir air mata, terus diem, terus tenang,
terus langsung bikin teh & senyum.

pelan pelan, satu satu gue benerin semua yang kayanya masih ganjel,
including talking to some people about some sensitive things, that i've avoided all these time.
abis itu, step two. i hit the brake.

setelah gue pikir pikir, i'm always on top gear, gigi 5. selalu, selalu dan selalu.
i feel like i'm always running, to be one step ahead of everything, because i'm a human of plan.
i like everything to be going as planned, and to do so, gue harus punya plan yang solid,
dan harus jalanin semuanya according to plan, if not. the plan will go on wasted. bener kan?

but it turns out to be so tiring. capek.
that day, i hit the brake with the intention to give myself a pause time, i'm hitting the pause button.
yang setelah gue liat-liat, i've hit this once back on 2011, and on 2012.
YAAA, 1 taun sekali break down, gapapayaaa...

emang hitting the pause button tu ngapain aja literally?

i slow everything down.

i happen to be able to type really fast, on keyboard, touch screen, etc,
i slowed it down. itupun susah!
karna by default, and years of playing the piano... gue terbiasa ngetik cepet.
dengan asumsi, kalo gue ngetik cepet, kerjaan paperwork cepet selesai. pesen cepet delivered.
tapi gara gara meltdown kemaren, dasar emang ngga fokus, paperwork jadi banyak erornya,
tambah kesel kan gue jadinya!!!
so i slow everything down. and keep repeating the same instruction to my brain.

i slow my walking pace, slow down my meal time to really taste my lunch,
i even slow my hair dryer heat after washing my hair... slowing everything down.
in two days, i feel lighten up a little, kayanya satu per satu mulai aspek idup gue mulai cerah,
my positivism grew a little, like the first flower of spring.

on evening, i was preparing my suit for an event on the early next morning,
terus gue sadar, lhaaa kartu nama gue abis rek! bahaya, padahal itu event sosialisasi,
ya lucu kan kalo kartu nama ijk abis. it was 9 pm.
the old me would be jumping to nearest printing to have my cards printed, but not that night.
i slow everything down. akan gue kerjain besoknya aja, toh masih ada waktu sebelum acara.
erw sampe heran, i was behaving differently that evening, mungkin dia mikir "are you ok, wife?"

tapi kan gue udah niat mau slowing down everything, and that's that.
that's exactly what i did, and it was OK. it turns out to be OK,
having a calm mind is more important than rushing things around and do things precisely on the dot.

a couple of weeks ago, i'd say my world is collapsing, everything is falling apart,
everything is bad, i feel like the universe is being ultra mean and i have no energy left to stood up,
to stood up and took the beating.
i usually stood up and took the beating, any kind of beating.
i'd suck it up and had it. i'd face it, but that time, i collapsed.
i can't even stood up to keep my positivity.

but i was wrong. the world wasn't falling apart...
it's not that. i thought it was falling apart, but when i think about it, it's actually falling into places.
sure it was different places, places i've never known of. that's why it's so uncomfortable.

tapi semua hal baru selalu begitu, kan?
baru, asing, dan aneh. awalnya...
when i take a second look, it really looks OK. it's OK, it's a very good kind of OK.
OK in caps.

so i'm glad i took everything slower, gue jadi bisa liat semuanya lebih jelas,
i come back to my root, seeing and being grateful for every little things,
things i took for granted these past weeks.
i let my noisy mind go.
it wasn't easy, i had to repeat the instruction, but it was worth it.
it really is a good therapy.
bagusnya lagi dalam agama saya, i can do it 5 times a day at least. Subhanallah.


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