The bitter-sweet finish line

this is a tale, about the day my sun got stolen,
probably one of the darkest, most confusing, mixed feeling, and traumatic day i had.
the day of my post-grad comprehension exam. *background sontrek horor*.

hahaha.
lebaiyatun is in the house yaaa. karna udah banyak kok orang yang udah lulus postgrad,
malahan banyak yang ujiannya dalam basa inggris... if they can do it, i can too!
having those mentality, works like magic, for about a week before the D-Day, those prep days.
emang si kadang kadang melempem, tapi ahirnya di Hari H, gue merasa cukup bekal lah.

di depan ruangan sidang, petugas admin dateng siap siapin ruangan, kita nanya: pengujinya siapa?
karna ngga dikasi tau samsek sebelumnya, penguji kita siapa.
bu admin menjawab: bu X. yang mana adalah dosen corporate finance, dimanaaa...
gue paling nggak bisa pelajaran itu. flashback sejenak kesini sama kesini.
cukup bukti kan, bahwa gue pa-ling-ngga-su-ka-pe-la-ja-ran-i-ni-ti-tik!!!
dan ketika dapet dosen pengujinya bu X. DAR. udah.

selesai,
done finito,
metiaw aja gue.
metotttt metot.
is det. is dead in 80s slank
is.
det.

badan kaki, darah turun semua ke kaki, tangan gue dingin, dada gue sesek ngga enak,
it stole my sunshine away dan kebetulan kok ya tiba tiba ujan entah darimana. yaolooo melow deh.
semua sesek yang udah ngumpul karna tegang dari minggu-minggu kemarin, kaya reuni.
semuanya hadirrr.
terus mau ngga jadi sidang? it will only slow the pain, intinya tetep aja ahirnya isdet.
so it hasta be today. i gotta graduate today. to-day. walopun gue akan isdet.
is.
det.

jadi, yaudah, seperti yang selalu gue bilang: dihadapin aja. this too-SHALL PASS!
AND I SHALL PASS THIS EXAM. amin.
skema ujiannya adalah, kita presentasi 30 menit, terus dites lisan satu satu, oke.
dari presentasinya aja, si bu X udah nge-gas. dalam hati gue teriak:
HADUUU IBUUU, bak mobil baru keluar dari IIMS 2014. pol amattt gas nyahhh, ampun buuu!
didepan khalayak, muka gue cool calm and confident.
dalam hati: matik gue... matikkk matik matik. isdettt, is. dettt!

satu persatu anggota kelompok gue masuk ruangan, sampe pada bagian gue yang maju.
i wouldn't say it's good, apalagi pas ditanya cost of equity: lidahku keluuu, semua catetan belajar gue,
BLANKKK... oh great. thanks brain. thanks a lot.
demi menjawab pertanyaan, gue berniat buka lah tu fotokopian tesis, mau cari contekan maksudnya.
dengan gestur panik yang disembunyikan dengan kurang ahli, karna pasti keliatan banget gue kikuk.
entah doa siapa yang mujarab banget, atau semangat siapa yang tulus banget doain "good luck",
halaman yang gue buka secara random-passs banget di halaman kebetan gue. Subhanallah.
udah pasti pertolongan Allah. Subhanallah... ahirnya gue melewati masa 30 menit++ itu.
an hour later, the announcement: alhamdulilah kita semua lulus.
refleks pingin norak teriak teriak di kampung jejingkrakan ala sabeni "OYYY LULUS OOOY!",
but no... maluk! hahaha... i went straight home after all errands are done.

dirumah? something strange happend to me, gue pongo. if that even a word. pongo.
as in don't know what to do, somewhat between lost and dark, like voldemort-ish kinda mood.
such a strange feeling, which i do not ever wish to feel that again. ever.
abis setengah jam duduk sendiri ngga ngapa ngapain, i decided to shower, ngga lama erw dateng,
we had dinner with my mom, my dad, the kids too. and the sunshine is back, i feel lighter.
then i tried to think, why did i feel such voldermort-ish kinda mood? i should be happy tho,
i graduated!

ternyata, i'm too happy to find that this is all over. i'm too happy that finally, i complete this.
all the worries, the never ending nights, the energy, the thought, all the stolen time, it's over,
i guess i'm too happy, it's almost surreal to me. almost like a dream.
do you know that sometimes we accidentally cried when we're super happy?
tears of joy kinda thingy... that's exactly what i had last night. jadi ahirnya gue nangis,
sangat bersyukur ahirnya gue bisa mencapai salah satu cita cita gue.

and also, i just realised i've been hiding that tears and pain for so long, from myself.
gue baru nyadar, i've been keeping it almost during the whole process, the whole 2 years,
not that i don't complain sih, i did hell yeah i did. every time shi* happens, i push it away, and go on.
sepertinya setiap gue sedih atau down, i tried hard to just, forget it and move on.
yes i talked about it, but i gotta forget it, can't be sad for too long cyin, we got work to do.
gue selalu mencoba untuk semangat lagi, untuk jadi positif lagi, untuk jadi hepi lagi,
because i have a greater goal to achieve, and therefore, i got to hold on and go on,
holding on juggling work, my 2 adorable toddlers and school.

mungkin kalo gue gak terlalu ambisius, i would be just fine, juggling two out of three,
then i'll be smiling ear to ear after the exam.
silly enough, sama sekali ngga pernah kepikiran, bahwa juggling 3 hal itu begitu melelahkan,
tadi malem baru gue nyadar, that life has been pretty mean the past 2 years.
and during that time, gue juga sama sekali ngga kepikiran, that i've been trying to be brave,
to just shove away the stress, the fatigue, the desperation, the broken hearted kids missing their mom.

i've been trying to be brave enough to keep the strong attitude and keeping my happy mind-bubble,
so i can bounce back whenever i stumble. so i can achieve my determined goal.

Now that it's over, gue kaya baru nyadar. my soul has been so weary. it has been hard, really hard.
but i survived. i just realise how magical it was, and how very lucky for me,
i get to experience this in my life.

selain dapet ilmu bisnis management, which will be pretty handy in taking my business even further,
some wonderful people to befriend with, life-worthy experience in juggling life and keeping sanity.
i think the most valuable value of this journey will be: i have conquered my own fear,
gue yang seumur umur ngga pernah stellar di akademis, the lucky number 7, bisa kok lulus postgrad,
barely. yaabesss hahaha... yaudah si, gakan dibahas di cv kan? hahaha.

and the second one: i've made my parents proud. being the first one to graduate among the four of us.

Everything i do, is to make them proud.

no worries pembaca yang budiman, voldemort days are over. i recover fast, now i'm trained to do so hahaha.
so long postgrad. you were tough, it was amazing to have you in my life.
as overrated it may seems, you were mean, but you didn't break me. you only make me stronger.
now every meal i eat is more delicious, every people i meet is more beautiful, life is so awesome!!!
hari ini gue sudah peroperasi seperti biasa. i had the best cup of sbux. in months!!!
padahal tiap minggu study grup di sbux, tapi berasa beban, bukan berasa kopi hahaha.
but this morning, it has another taste to it. TASTE OF FREEDOM HAHAHA.

Alhamdulilah Ya Rabb, terimakasih atas kekuatan yang telah diberikan non stop & konstan,
those loving people with their neverending comfort each time i fall. 

Erw and nenox, the person i'd took a bullet for.

my love.

my life. 

my everything.
wait i need some tissue. imma cry.

My inner circle, my path people, my friends, my pembaca yang budiman,

You have no idea how much you mean to me. Thank you thank you thank you.

It's been wonderfully amazing amazing amazing life experience not that i want it on repeat. bahhh!
i can't thank you enough for the blessing. i feel so new, so happy today as if it's my birthday.
alhamdulillahirobbil 'alamin. Thank you Allah.